Introduction
“You seem fine.”
“You always look okay.”
“You’re so strong.”
Most people offer these words as encouragement, but for many women — especially autistic women — these statements cut deep.
Because what they really hear is:
“You hide it well.”
“I don’t see your pain.”
“I don’t understand you.”
Looking fine and being fine are not the same thing.
The Myth of the Strong Woman
Society rewards women who hold everything together.
It praises women who:
- stay calm under pressure
- never complain
- handle everything themselves
- don’t show vulnerability
So when a woman “seems fine,” people assume she is fine.
But in reality, she may be:
- overwhelmed
- masking
- emotionally exhausted
- dissociating
- over-functioning
- struggling silently
Why Autistic Women Become “Too Good” at Appearing Fine
Autistic girls often learn early that expressing their struggles is punished or dismissed:
- “Stop being dramatic.”
- “You’re overreacting.”
- “Don’t make things difficult.”
- “Why can’t you be more like the other kids?”
So they learn to blend in.
To smile.
To keep their emotions neatly tucked away.
By adulthood, they become experts at appearing calm even when they are falling apart internally.
The Internal Reality Behind “Fine”
1. Emotional Shutdown
Some women don’t cry or panic — they freeze.
They appear calm, but inside they are numb.
2. Overcompensation
They take on too much work, too many responsibilities, too many roles — all to avoid appearing incapable.
3. Perfectionism
They don’t allow themselves to make mistakes because mistakes feel like exposure.
4. Persistent Anxiety
Even when they look composed, their nervous system is in overdrive.
Why “You Seem Fine” Hurts
Because it confirms what they’ve feared:
People only accept the masked version of me.
Not the real me.
It also signals to them that their pain is invisible —
and that makes healing harder.
What People Should Say Instead
- “How are you really feeling?”
- “It’s okay if you’re struggling.”
- “You don’t have to have everything together.”
- “I’m here to listen without judgment.”
These simple shifts open the door for honesty.
Healing From the Pressure to Always Appear Fine
Healing begins the moment a woman allows herself to be seen.
This includes learning to:
- express needs
- set boundaries
- rest without guilt
- trust safe people
- admit when things are overwhelming
Being fine is not the goal.
Being authentic is.
Conclusion
If someone “seems fine,” it may be because they’ve learned that falling apart is not allowed.
Understanding this difference is how we create safer spaces for real emotional conversations — and real healing.